Since moving to Plainview, my husband Zack and I have been invited out for every shabbas meal imaginable and have yet to invite anyone over. So, finally I decided that since we live .2 miles from the shul (any further I wouldn’t go), we would invite everyone who we owe a meal to over for break-fast in other words; 20 people in a 2 by 4. It was going to be tight, but it was easier doing it now than inviting people on Fridays (I never make it home from work on time for shabbas) so this seemed easy enough and impossible to traif up. I told Zack, that I want to do it all by myself in order to make him proud (and because he makes more of a mess than help). But, knowing me he insisted he would help by going grocery shopping with me because last time alone, I came home with Baked Lays, Doritos and Wheat Thins; which for some unknown reason aren’t kosher. I didn’t know what Orthodox Jews eat for break-fast. I thought I could make a breakfast break-fast French toast, eggs, bacon (not pork) but my husband said I wouldn’t have time to heat it before yom tov is over. So, we went aisle by aisle trying to figure out what to get with our limited budget.
So, at first I thought maybe getting Sushi because that doesn’t needed to be heated but, Zack said that isn’t what you want after fasting an entire day. I wouldn’t know about fasting, because I believe in drinking on Yom Kippur. But, this tisha b’av zack told me to fast. I said, why? In which he kindly replied, shut up and just do it. So, of course the minute he turned his back I hopped in my car and went for a ride snacking on mini-muffins. But, just as the muffin melted in my mouth, I got a flat tire on the Long Island Expressway. That, was when I learned to just fast when zack says something don’t ask questions.
Anyways, so we continued going aisle by aisle and I felt like anything I wanted to get didn’t have a K or wasn’t a break-fast like approved food. (See why I didn’t want his help?) So, finally we got the canned tuna aisle and Zack started stuffing our cart as if we had a herd of cats in our house. I asked him what he was doing, and he said “this is the break-fast stuff” as if he was a dog getting his belly rubbed. And, then he ran up the aisle got the largest mayonnaise jar he could find. I asked him why such a big thing, he said because your making egg salad too. So, I turned around and grabbed some eggs before I strangle him. Since, it was judgment week, spousal abuse would probably put me on the naughty list and I’m working on making the cut for the nice list this year… does that work for Jewish people too? Finally, after walking miles down aisles of food that isn’t kosher or break-fast appropriate; we finally get to the drinks aisle. And, Zack grabs a half gallon of orange juice (a drink which both of us hate) and he said “drink of choice after break-fast.” I cringed my nose and said at least get a half gallon incase we don’t drink it. He reluctantly put it down. So, biting my lip we walk out the store with salad, orange juice, 10 cans of tuna fish, dozen eggs and a gallon of mayonnaise. I hate stereotypical Jewish foods, but I decided he knew more than I did, since my family usually goes to McDonalds.
Next, Zack stopped off at a kosher bagel place for some over priced bagels that some rabbi watched make. This doesn’t make sense, when I can go across the street to Dunkin Donuts and get identical looking bagels 6 for $3. But, I made a deal not to complain and actually keep this holiday because we can’t afford another flat tire. Also, Zack agreed to go to law school if I become Jewish. So, I’m hoping once he graduates I can retire. So, I suck up the $30 bagels purchase and to keep it simple and grab lox cream and cream cheese while we are there.
So, we get home and Zack helps me bring in the grocery’s plops himself on the couch and turns on football. I looked at him and said “I am going to slave away in the kitchen and your watching football??” He said, “Everything is parve in the house so you really can’t mess it up.” He didn’t get the hint to at least move tables, chairs, do homework, go to shul DO SOMETHING, instead of relax while I work (at least his favorite team lost). Anyways, so nothing too exciting about making millions of cans of tuna with a non-electric can opener and boiling millions of eggs. So, I decided to make some delicious cakes for quick sugar fixes when people come in. So, I made Jamie Geller’s (best book quick and kosher) choc chip banana Bundt cake. And, I made Zack’s mom’s carrot cake that tasted better when I didn’t have to clean up from it. And, at last minute I through together a bowl of Oreos on the bottom, soy pudding on top boxed brownies Zack’s mom gave us, some whip cream a and more Oreos and brownies on top. I was on my feet from 10am till the fast, which started that Sunday.
So, of course we were invited out for out last supper as I call it because I can never remember the Hebrew name. After, we went to shul. No one gave me the memo you can wear sneakers!! HELLO. IMPORTANT NOTICE Zack forgot to mention. I’d rather be ignorant on the fact cheeseburgers are not kosher than the fact I could wear slippers, flip flops instead of my 8 inch Stewart Weitzman’s.
Anyways, I made it through Kol Nidre and, walked home craving a cheeseburger, which is not only not kosher but also a no can eat on Yom Kippur. So, I starvingly went to bed. I tried to sleep as late as possible in order to shorten the day. But, I couldn’t sleep because I was so nervous about my first break-fast with all these people.
So, Monday when we finally got to shul, everyone started crowding around me asking what there was for dinner tonight. This was putting the pressure on me more. But, then one of my friends told me all you really need at break-fast is a gallon of OJ. OH NO!! I only had a half gallon. So, I down the aisle of the men’s section to grab Zack. This didn’t go over so well. You would, think a monster walked through NYC. So, someone told Zack that his wife was looking for him I guess and he ran as fast as he could at me pulling me out of the men’s section. I don’t understand the problem. But, anyways I told him one of us has to get a gallon of OJ right at the end of yom tov. So, he volunteered in order to avoid greeting all the guests. Who, knew that the quick sugar and acidic fix of OJ is every Jews dream after a fast.
So, finally after shul I then went home to finally get a little sleep. We had to go back to shul for our Yom Kippur finale of shofar blowing. So, the minute that guy started blowing I ran home as fast as I could to start getting everything out and ready for our guests. I put out my carrot cake, banana choc chip cake, egg salad, tuna, I started cutting the bagels and I cut up tomatoes and onions for people to put on either their bagel or in their salad (and by salad i mean bowl of lettuce). But, as soon as everyone started entering they skipped right over the salad and went to the good stuff (bagels, cream cheese). I guess after a long day of fasting you have a lot of calories to make up instead of count. Also, I was kind of disappointed because no one wanted to eat my beautiful bundt cake or carrot cake, which I slaved away for hours in order to make. So, my friend came over to me and explained no one wants to cut it because it looks so beautiful. But, she said she didn’t care and she would dig in the first piece of the cake to help get it started. But, she told me to always cut out a first piece or no one will ever eat your dessert.
So, everyone managed to somehow fit in my apartment the problem was that it was raining. So, my wood floors would soon become a mud pit. Especially, since a lot of our friends have little kids. There were 4 little kids, which felt like a million. They somehow managed to get chips, cookies and in places didn’t even know existed in apt. Finding all the child reminisce, reminded me to definitely take birth control. But, at the end of the day it wasn’t too bad. Zack helped clean up. But, all he really had to do was put the covers over all the food. I made 10 cans of tuna and maybe two were actually eaten. Even, though everyone was starving their stomach shrunk a lot and didn’t really end up eating a lot of food. So, finally I sat on the couch and Zack cleaned up the rest!!
1. At least one Gallon of Orange juice for break-fast
2. Although, everyone has starved themselves all day they aren’t as hungry as they think. No need to make so much.
3. No one wants to be healthy and eat salad after fasting.
4. Take advantage of the fact no one wants to cut your cake, so feel free to eat it right after you make it so that way people actually eat it